One of my most treasured books as a boy was
The Witch's Catalog by Norman Bridwell, published in 1976. You might remember the cover:
You can click through
excerpts of it at JustinSpace.com. Norman Bridwell was the author and illustrator of some of my other favorite books, though I didn't know that at the time. He was the one who gave us these gems:
He also did many others, including a certain series about a large red canine. But in The Witch's Catalog, he teased us with items our young imaginations wished we could really have. I mean, an invisible barrier to keep bullies out? And consider this spread:
Order a pet dragon??? With accessories?!? You can find whole books devoted to this subject nowadays, but Norman did it first, and that was pretty avant-garde for a 1976 children's book.
Though I knew magic wasn't real, I wanted so badly to believe that I didn't even care. I probably didn't even notice that the book clearly instructs the reader not to send money. But what did frustrate my young mind was the order form. Have a look:
That #%^**&#@ order form is not even 3 inches across! I remember trying to copy it onto notebook paper, as instructed. Had a heckuva time with it once I noticed two other glaring setbacks: one, it has blanks for PRICE - an attribute conspicuously missing from every item. Worse, it requires you to rub it with bat fat and flea tears!!!
Well, leave it to ol' Keith, amigos. You wanna have a go at this for old times' sake, or for some sadistic reason lead your kids on with something you can't deliver, WELL BUDDY I GOT YOU COVERED.
Download the PDF order form I made for you by clicking the image below.
Since the instructions clearly say "SEND NO MONEY," simply leave the Price column blank. You may include a note that you were so instructed by me, the Witch-Finder of Lilburn. I'm tight with the Great Pumpkin, no one will question it.
For flea tears, just rub the whole dang flea onto it, and per Wikipedia,
BAT fat might be more common than you think.
